Monday, May 22, 2006

Rant #8: That Weird Machine All of Your Living Room Furniture is Pointed at. Part 1.

Update 3/4/2012: For the record, I stopped watching this show when Sheen attacked his ex-wife in Aspen back in 2009. As far as the new incarnation, well let's be nice and just call it crap.

Original Post: 5/22/2006
Ok, let me disengage my tongue from my cheek for a moment and talk about something serious, television. Hold on a second...ouch…come on…ok, I think this particular extraction may require major surgery so we’re just going to have to work around it.
Today is part one of a multi-part series where I will proceed to tell you what the hell you should be tuning into on the old idiot box, as my dad used to call it. Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to watch all of these shows. Only a major TV geek with no life and no girlfriend could pull that off… (cough). Just pick a couple of the really good ones and thank me later. Anyway, here we go. These will be presented in no particular order.
- Two and a Half Men Monday 9:00 PM CBS
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper
Conchata Ferrell - Berta
Marin Hinkle - Judith
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper
Melanie Lynskey - Rose
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Holland Taylor - Evelyn Harper
Andy Ackerman - Executive Producer
Mark Burg - Executive Producer
Oren Koules - Executive Producer
Chuck Lorre - Executive Producer
Lee Aronsohn - Executive Producer
Eric Lapidus - Executive Producer
Eric Tannenbaum - Executive Producer
Kim Tannenbaum - Executive Producer
Chuck Lorre - Creator
Lee Aronsohn – Creator
Ok, you see all of these people listed in the crew but this show is Chuck Lorre’s baby. The guy is a frikin’ sit-com genius. I am constantly amazed by not only the writing but how they seem to get away with some seriously raunchy stuff. There are some adult situations on this show that would make Janet Jackson’s tit blush and the FCC couldn’t give a shit less, which I think is FANtastic and how things ought to be. I have to give it up to Chuck and his crew for creating a sit-com that is much funnier than the typical “family” program.
Chuck has a text rant, he calls them “Vanity Cards”, at the end of each episode that flashes on the screen for about 1 second. You have to pause it to read it (Get TiVo asshole!). There’s always funny stuff in there that gives you a little insight into the kind of guy it takes to write a show like this. He also posts them online. Check it out at

Rant #7: I Hate Poetry!

I forgot to look at my watch today.
What time is it?
I forgot to look at my calendar today.
What day is it?
I forgot to call my dad today.
Do they have cell reception in heaven?

I forgot to look in the mirror today.
Who am I?
I forgot to check my pockets today.
Is there anything in there?
I forgot to take out the garbage today.
Is it still trash?

I forgot to get up today.
Is it still today?
I forgot to go to sleep last night.
Is it tomorrow yet?
I forgot what I was saying.
Is there anyone listening?

I forgot how to love.
Does it still exist?
I forgot how to hate.
No I didn’t.
Go fuck yourself.

Footnote: I actually wrote the above exactly one year ago today. I just never got around to posting it. Wow, was I in a mood or what? I feel much better now. :-)

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Rant #6: Angry White Boy Polka.

And now for something completely different…

I’ve been a fan of that wacky Weird Al Yankovic since I was a child and the older I get the more I appreciate his comedic brilliance. Anyway, I’ve had his newest album “Poodle Hat” pretty much since it debuted but I just discovered this damn funny flash video for one of the tracks from that CD and I thought I’d share it with all of you. It was created by a fan, one much more talented than yours truly, and it is frickin’ hysterical.

I know what you’re thinking. “This isn’t a gorram rant, this is just a link to someone else’s creation!” My answer to that is: Sometimes, the best way to express yourself is by sharing the things that amuse you. You already knew that anyway so SHUT IT!!

There is extra credit for anyone who knows what gorram means and where it comes from. Leave it in the comments.

Remember kids, let your geek flag fly!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Rant #5: New Drug Cures Prudishness.

Are you easily offended? Do you constantly find yourself bitching and whining about how offended you are by the things you see around you? Well now there’s help! It’s called Gofukuesef. Gofukuesef is a new drug from the makers of Quicherbichasil (a popular anti-naggatory drug) and it is showing some promising results.

Clinical studies have proven that Gofukuesef works by relaxing the sphincter and boosting one’s sense of humor. Gofukuesef creates a calming feeling that allows you to worry more about yourself, so you are able to give those around you a frikin’ break from your self-righteous tirades. Ask your Doctor about Gofukuesef today. We’ll all be glad that you did.

Warning: If used improperly Gofukuesef can cause severe rectal bleeding. Please use only as directed.

P.S. I-know-what-you’re-thiiiinking-nana-na-na-na.

Rant #4: Five Second Interview With the Blog Author.

Blog reader:

Do you realize that every post you’ve published so far has contained the phrase “I know what you’re thinking”? Is this unintentional or are you just an uninspired, no talent hack who can’t come up with a more original hook?

Blog Author:

Piss off!

Rant #3: Hey Buddy, Can I Bum a Smoke? I’ll Pay You Back When I Get My Tax Refund.

Does your state need some quick cash? Well, everybody knows that the most reliable way to squeeze more money out of the populace is to raise sales taxes on the addicted. Because really, what the hell are they going to do about it?

I know what you’re thinking. What about the state government’s smoking cessation program? Isn’t the government’s official stance on smoking supposed to be that it’s bad for you and they want to help you quit? Well that wouldn’t be very fucking smart now would it?

“Hell no we don’t want people to quit.” said state representative Kenneth Tucky. “We’ve done the math on this and all the money we’re going to raise has already been earmarked for other programs. If even one of these bastards quits smoking it’s gonna throw a monkey wrench in the whole goddamn plan. But don’t worry. Nobody in this state is going to quit. I’m even working on a plan to get back some of the people who somehow managed to quit years ago. This is going to be the most money this state has ever seen!” he said. When asked about the growing trend to ban smoking in public places he replied, “That’s just gravy in my opinion. We could ban smoking in every place except your own private bathroom and these people will still light up. We have not seen a significant drop in cigarette sales after bans were put in place so we know they’re still at it. I do have to admit that I get a chuckle every time I see one of those poor bastards puffing away outside in the freezing cold. It just reiterates for me that this is a good financial plan for the state. These people just won’t quit, it kills me! Cha-ching! Besides, all of these new programs are really going to benefit the children of our great commonwealth and nothing is more important than the children, am I right people?”

When asked about the state’s smoking cessation program and the potential conflict of interest that could arise, representative Tucky replied, “Yeah, those liberal pansies working down there are a thorn in my ass but we’ve got to keep the program because it’s the only thing that keeps those little pricks off our case.”

The next question posed to Mr. Tucky was one concerning other types of so called “sin taxes” on things such as fast food and other unhealthy products. “We looked into that.” he said. “What we discovered is that if you start taxing the hell out of sliders and things like that, people will just start eating at places like Subway more often. We just couldn’t be confident that the tax proceeds would be there. You really have to target those consumers who are physically and psychologically (at this point he made air quotes with his fingers) ‘dedicated’ to their product.” The final question was regarding the enormous health care cost burden that smoking related illnesses place on the state and how that could also be an area of conflict. Representative Tucky replied, “Thank you, that’s all the time I have today.”

It was also discovered that this method works especially well in red states because you don’t have as many bleeding heart pussies running around trying to save the world all the time. Many blue states have also raised taxes on cigarettes to unbelievable levels as an encouragement for smokers to quit. They started robust social programs that actually helped thousands, if not millions of people become ex-smokers. What a bunch of dumb-asses! They could have made millions if they just let those people continue to light up. So there you have it, the perfect solution to your state’s budgetary difficulties. But remember kids. Smoking is bad, unless of course your state just really needs the money.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Rant #2: Geek vs. Nerd, Dork, Spaz, etc.

It's time to set the record straight on the meanings of certain words, titles, insults, whatever you want to call them. Before we begin, I just want to make it clear that I don't give a shit what Merriam-Webster says these words mean. I know I'm right.

People like to throw around the word "geek" as though it has the same connotation as words like “dork”, “nerd” and “dipshit”. Well I’m here to tell you that they are wrong. A geek is a very special sort of individual. “Special” being the keyword because a geek is a specialist. If you know more about a certain field of study, special interest or area of trivia than the rest of your friends and colleges then you are a geek. Let me explain further. If you know everything there is to know about Wilford Brimley then you are a Wilford Brimley geek…and probably a stalker but I’m not here to judge. Some of you out there just LOVE that show Trading Spaces. Well, if you just happen to know how many times in the history of the show that a designer has gone over budget, then you are a Trading Spaces geek. You folks are just going to have to live with this shit. I’m very very sorry.

Now, nerds, dorks, and dipshits are usually very easy to spot. They have a certain look about them. Nerds and dorks dress the part and dipshits will always act the part regardless of dress. A geek on the other hand can be anyone around you. There are no specific physical or behavioral signs of a geek. You actually have to get to know a person before you find out about their geekness…geekosity…oh you know what I mean.

I’m just telling you these things for your own good. The next time you mistakenly refer to a geek as a nerd or a dork, or God forbid a dipshit, you may just get bitch slapped, or worse. Most people would agree that Robert Deniro probably knows everything there is to know about acting. I dare you to call him a fucking nerd. Of course you would likely get your ass kicked for calling him a geek as well and that’s another reason why I’m trying to get the word out on the differences, so these unfortunate misunderstandings will cease. Ok, I know what you’re thinking. What if a person is a combination of these things? Like, “Wow, that’s one nerdy geek” or “this geek’s a total dipshit”. Well, I don’t have all the answers. I just suggest that you tread lightly and give the non-nerd, non-dipshit geeks the respect that they deserve.

So if you’re a specialist, go forth and be proud of your inner geek. And if someone dares to call you a nerd, first make sure you’re not sporting a pocket protector and then kick that sumbitch in the nuts.

Disclaimer: I do not officially support kicking people in the nuts as it is very painful and could get you arrested and/or brutally murdered.

Rant #1: "The Village", Orange Fingertips and the Answer to Everything.

Last night I figured out the secret to life and the universe while sitting on the couch watching M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village" on DVD. This epiphany really had nothing to do with the movie itself. In fact, I don't think I was even paying attention to the television when it all came down on me like a ton of bricks.

It all happened just before the scene in which Adrian Brody stabs Joaquin Phoenix. Now here's the bloody rub. I was suddenly sucked back into the movie when I noticed the knife in Brody's hand and I totally forgot what I was thinking about. Oh, I was soooo pissed. I had the answers to all of life's questions on the tip of my cerebral cortex and lost it all because of my stupid short attention span. Man I hate it when that happens!

I backed up the movie several minutes to try to get back in my "zone" but the feeling was gone, seemingly lost forever. How sad, right? I started this blog with the hope that typing it out would somehow get me back into that trancelike state again, a sort of retracing of steps if you will. Unfortunately, all I can seem to remember is how tasty those damn Cheetos were that I was eating at the time. I know what you're thinking...tried that...didn't help.

So now I just have to live with the fact that I almost had it. I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone. I cannot put my finger on it now and I fear I never will again.

Man these Cheetos are good!